[It's an awful sound. A terrible, horrible sound he never wanted to hear again. Clive's broken voice, the sob he gives as if the air has been stolen right out of his lungs. There's only so much a hand can muffle and Joshua can say nothing. He feels as if he's been wrenched out of his body, that it isn't his own. That this is all just a terrible dream. He'll wake up soon enough.
It'll be over. He doesn't have to break his brother's heart again.
And yet it's reality. An awful one he's forced to face. Why had fate been so cruel to them both? Why did it inevitably separate them, only to reunite them here? Joshua does not understand it, and while he is grateful to have his brother here at his side, it's on wicked terms.
He says nothing as he lets Clive's words echo in his ears.
I'm your shield.
Yes. Yes he was. He always would be.
It's then Joshua stands, moving to stop before his brother, only to reach out and pull his head against his chest, burying his face into the other man's hair. He squeezes him fiercely, desperate, never wanting to let go. He had said his goodbyes then but that didn't mean he had wanted to. He had been brave in facing his death, but how brave would he have been if their places had been reversed?]
...You are my Shield and I am proud to call you such. You always have and will be.
[He swallows, tucking Clive closer. There is no unholy glow behind the fabric of his shirt - only unmarred flesh. His voice cracks in turn, tears spilling over the corners of his eyes to soak his cheeks.]
I-I am so sorry, Clive. I love you dearly brother, more than words could ever convey...and yet here I am, breaking your heart once more. How cruel of a brother am I?
[Falling apart is nothing new to Clive, but doing so in front of those for whom he needs to be strong isn't right. And Joshua, his little brother, needs him to be strong most of all. That's his duty. It's always been his duty.
But if what Joshua says is true, and Clive would never have reason to doubt him - why would he lie about something as horrible as this? - then he...failed.
For a moment, the voice of their mother in the back of his head smugly reminds him of his uselessness. Useless, as she ever viewed him after she stopped loving him, if she ever truly did. For a moment, Clive believes the voice. What kind of a Shield is he if he could not save his brother twice? What kind of a Shield is he if he survives while everyone he swears to protect dies?
For the most part, Clive manages to keep the tears at bay, gasping against his hand instead, but when Joshua pulls him close and he feels his warmth against his forehead and those arms encircling him, they break loose. His arms wrap around Joshua in turn, hands grasping at the back of his shirt. If he can just hold onto him, maybe none of what Joshua has said will remain true.
But that's not how it works. He knows. Like he told Gav at Cid's grave, life has a beginning and an end. Not even the Phoenix can bring someone back.
...And yet, he's selfish. Why can't he save his brother for once in his fucking life?]
He had thought his heart couldn't break any further and yet he had been proven wrong once more.]
No...no Clive no you have not failed me. You never failed me.
[He can feel his shirt growing damp as Clive grips onto his body, face pressed into his chest. It's happening again. It's happening all over again. Why were they doomed to repeat this? He can feel his breath growing short as he holds onto his brother tighter, legs numb as he stands before him.]
Do not blame yourself please I beg you...I...there was nothing that could be done. All I could do was give what little of myself was left to you. I gave you my flames and I refuse to believe that with you protecting them within your heart they would ever die. Please Clive...
[His own voice chokes, squeezed out of his throat, teeth threatening to chatter from the way he's begun to shake as he sobs.]
Brother...I am so sorry. I never wanted you to have to know this pain once more. You have suffered so much and I thought if I could keep this from you...that I could spare you from it.
[But someone, apparently, had to bring up Origin to him. Even if Dion is to blame for this, Joshua knows that deep down he wouldn't have been able to hide the truth forever.]
It hurts Clive...to know how much I've made you suffer. Would that I could take it all unto me, I would in an instant.
[Ever since Joshua was born, he had been ill. Clive remembers how their mother had brought in physicker after physicker over the years, as if one of them could finally keep him healthy. Clive never truly learned what ailed his brother, but he also didn't care. The details didn't matter. His brother did.
How terribly ironic that the body that harnessed the Phoenix couldn't keep itself healthy.
But if he himself was eventually given that which he was supposed to have inherited all along, then why was Joshua made to suffer all this time? Life isn't fair, but there are limits to Clive's understanding and patience. He clutches Joshua's shirt harder for a moment, then finally pulls his face away to look up at him, uncaring that his face is wet and his eyes are red.
He should say something, but his throat is tight and his tongue is heavy. Instead he shakes his head and reaches up to gently grasp Joshua's face, pulling him down so their foreheads touch. Finally, after a few moments of breathing and swallowing, Clive manages to speak.]
You have never made me suffer, Joshua. It's...it's everyone else. Mother, myself...Ultima. You never should have been involved. I should have been stronger.
[His back aches as it arches, head pulled down so their foreheads can touch one another. He fumbles, legs finally forcing him to his knees before his brother as his hands shift to cling to the fabric at the front of Clive's shirt.
Clive should have been stronger? Well what about him? He shakes his head slowly, swallowing through the snot and tears that have stained his face. At least they equally both look a mess, he reasons.]
Well what about me? If anyone needed to be stronger it's me. This useless body I was born with...what good has it been to anyone in the end? All I have ever been is sick and a burden...
[Sometimes he can't help but think it'd have been better if he'd never been born at all...but he knows even voicing such a thought would be a cruelty to his brother.
Thank you Clive. I know you will always take care of me.]
All I ever wanted...was to have you by my side forever. To grow up with you...to rule with you.
[But that could never, would never, had never come to pass.]
I don't want to be the source of your sorrow, Clive...I rather it be the opposite.
[Joshua falls to his knees, lowering himself before Clive, which is so, so wrong. Clive slips off the bench and joins him on the ground, trying to keep them on as equal footing as possible.]
I don't care about your body. It was only ever you inside that I wanted, needed to protect. Because you're my brother. The only one I have. Nothing can ever compare.
[Clive takes Joshua into hos arms, holding him tightly. The image he's subsequently given of the two of them ruling tugs at his heart, but he basks in it for a short time. Joshua, sitting on the throne as he should have. Father off to one side, proud and beaming. Clive, to the other side, taking Lord Murdoch's place, while he and Lady Hanna look on happily, together. If only. If only. But it's just a fantasy. Father and the Murdochs are dead. The throne destroyed. And neither of them will ever reclaim the remnants of Rosalith Castle.
Clive would say it's all right, as long as he has his brother, but even Joshua will be taken from him ere long. That is the true cruelty here. But he won't say that. Joshua is falling apart in his arms and while is doing no better, he is still the elder brother.]
You have only ever brought me happiness, Joshua. The happiest day of my life was when we found each other at Twinside, despite everything else that happened. And...and before that, it was you who kept me alive for the thirteen years I no longer felt like a person. Not me. Not anyone else. You.
[They're both on the ground now, sobbing and sticky from their tears, clinging to one another as if their lives depended on it. Which, in a way, they did. Joshua can only begin to imagine the horror he'd have to endure if their positions had been swapped. Would he have had the strength to go on the way Clive had? He doubts it.
His brother was stronger than he realizes.
Joshua whimpers, fingers clenching and unclenching as his body heaves and his lungs burn. He wants Clive to be able to live without him, to be happy without him, to be with Jill and have a family of his own...but then there is a selfish part of him he can't wrest away from his heart. He wants his brother. His brother.
Just as Clive had said - he's the only one he has.
If only he could apologize more than he already had. If only he could atone for the misdeeds that had been done to Clive. Would he ever not feel guilty? Probably not. He swallows, phlegm in his throat thick.]
...They wanted you dead, Clive. [His voice is thin and quiet as he clenches his fingers into his chest once more as he's held ever so tightly against his brother.] When I finally woke from what happened at Phoenix Gate, the Undying informed me that it had been you. They had found you...and knew you were Ifrit.
[He clenches his fingers tighter, voice raw, timbre barely nothing more than a trembling sound.]
They told me they were going to kill you. I was beside myself...I could do little else trapped in that bed and room where I was recovering...they didn't want to listen and so I used the only thing I had to bargain with to have them obey me.
[It's something he's never confessed to anyone...but who, truly, did he have to confess to in the first place over such a memory?]
...I told them if they dared take your life I would take my own in turn.
[He can't help but feel ashamed, pressing his face into the crook of his brother's neck.]
I did not wish to live in a world without you in it back then...and I feel the same even now.
[They fall into a heavy silence for a moment, two boys clinging onto the other to keep themselves afloat in this vast ocean of despair. Maybe they sink a little, too, letting their tears fall freely as they allow the waves of sadness to lick around them. But what else can they do when life simply won't give either of them a break?
They wanted you dead. Clive nearly chokes out a laugh. That sentiment has been leveled at him so many times, and people have actively tried to kill him even more. His skin bears evidence of those attempts. But he doesn't laugh and he doesn't stop Joshua from speaking of the Undying.
It's no surprise they would target Ifrit, even if their own Marquess were the one holding the reins. He had nearly killed the Phoenix, an act so unforgivable to those people that they could not suffer the culprit to live. If they had found him five years ago, after he killed Garuda, he would have begged them for that death, as he had of Cid.
Cid had spared him. The Undying would not.
But none of that matters. The Undying answer only to the Phoenix and Joshua had stayed their eager hands for Clive's sake. But at the threat of his own life?
Clive's arms tighten around him, as if terrified such an option were still on the table. Fresh tears fall as he clutches Joshua even closer and gasps out a reply.]
Oh, Joshua, you fool.
[He would have let himself be killed five years ago, but before then...]
I wouldn't have let them touch me. And if they had, I would have crawled out of whatever grave they gave me and kept going.
[A hand goes to Joshua's hair, gently playing with it.]
[Fool. That's exactly what he is. He can't even deny Clive's claim when he wholeheartedly agrees. He feels ten again, all of a sudden, small despite standing just as tall as his older brother...but Clive's arms are big and protective. They shield him from everything, even now.
They shield him from himself.]
As am I.
[He chokes out, leaning into the touch at his hair, wanting to wipe the mess off his face but not having the strength to detangle his fingers from Clive's shirt to do so.]
I won't ever leave you again...I swear it. I promise Clive. I don't ever want to be parted.
[It doesn't matter how old he gets, whether this is an afterlife or not, or what the future holds in store for him...he refuses to face it alone without Clive at his side.]
[They physically can't stay like this forever and it's always possible - probable, even - that the two of them will be parted again, no matter how much they wish for the opposite. Even as they sit on the ground, awash with emotions, Clive feels exhaustion roll through him. His body sags despite the support he and Joshua provide each other by way of desperate clinging.
But he won't separate just yet. He can't. Joshua needs him, despite Clive having been a poor excuse for a brother all these years.]
To be your Shield is all I ever wanted.
[His arms continue to hold Joshua, the warmth emanating from his brother a comfort. It's a reminder that he is alive, at least while he resides here. Clive refuses to dwell too much on thoughts of his own life back home without Joshua's presence in it. Living for those first thirteen years without his brother had been like stumbling in the dark without the sun. Imagining countless years afterward without him again is too much.
Clive takes another halting breath but finally works up the strength to pull away enough to look at Joshua again. Nothing about this conversation has been pleasant and he won't pretend that it will get better, but looking upon Joshua's face is better than never seeing it again, tear-stained or not. His own face must look a disaster, but he ignores himself to instead take Joshua's face in his hands, gently rubbing his thumbs under his eyes.]
...I love you.
[His voice breaks on the last word and more tears track down his cheeks, but Clive remains visible. It's the truth. Joshua deserves nothing but.]
[He is warm. He is alive. They both are, somehow, but the why or mechanism behind it Joshua refuses to question for fear the blessing will be taken away from them both. He cannot even begin to think of letting thoughts of what he may do if Clive left him behind settle in his mind to take root or fester. No, he will not accept such a reality. Not now. Not after everything they've endured.
If he asked Clive to stay, he knows he wouldn't leave him...and while he gave him leave as he bled out before a cruel god in his arms, he isn't so inclined to make the same sacrifice twice. Surely he wouldn't be begrudged to be a bit selfish over this one matter.]
And you shall be. You still are, Clive.
[He softens under the lulling sensation of Clive's thumbs smoothing beneath his eyes. They're both a mess, his own face red and snotty and wet, but who cares? Little mattered beyond the fact that right here and now they had one another, alive and breathing. His lips crack into a smile as a hoarse laugh breaks free.
I love you.]
And I have never doubted it for a single moment. I love you, my brother, more than anyone else. I always have.
[Because as much as Clive couldn't bear to face a world where Joshua was not in it and had been left a husk of a man driven only by revenge, Joshua cannot imagine having to endure without his brother by his side. Not now. Not after everything.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2024-09-07 02:24 am (UTC)It'll be over. He doesn't have to break his brother's heart again.
And yet it's reality. An awful one he's forced to face. Why had fate been so cruel to them both? Why did it inevitably separate them, only to reunite them here? Joshua does not understand it, and while he is grateful to have his brother here at his side, it's on wicked terms.
He says nothing as he lets Clive's words echo in his ears.
I'm your shield.
Yes. Yes he was. He always would be.
It's then Joshua stands, moving to stop before his brother, only to reach out and pull his head against his chest, burying his face into the other man's hair. He squeezes him fiercely, desperate, never wanting to let go. He had said his goodbyes then but that didn't mean he had wanted to. He had been brave in facing his death, but how brave would he have been if their places had been reversed?]
...You are my Shield and I am proud to call you such. You always have and will be.
[He swallows, tucking Clive closer. There is no unholy glow behind the fabric of his shirt - only unmarred flesh. His voice cracks in turn, tears spilling over the corners of his eyes to soak his cheeks.]
I-I am so sorry, Clive. I love you dearly brother, more than words could ever convey...and yet here I am, breaking your heart once more. How cruel of a brother am I?
no subject
Date: 2024-09-08 04:56 am (UTC)But if what Joshua says is true, and Clive would never have reason to doubt him - why would he lie about something as horrible as this? - then he...failed.
For a moment, the voice of their mother in the back of his head smugly reminds him of his uselessness. Useless, as she ever viewed him after she stopped loving him, if she ever truly did. For a moment, Clive believes the voice. What kind of a Shield is he if he could not save his brother twice? What kind of a Shield is he if he survives while everyone he swears to protect dies?
For the most part, Clive manages to keep the tears at bay, gasping against his hand instead, but when Joshua pulls him close and he feels his warmth against his forehead and those arms encircling him, they break loose. His arms wrap around Joshua in turn, hands grasping at the back of his shirt. If he can just hold onto him, maybe none of what Joshua has said will remain true.
But that's not how it works. He knows. Like he told Gav at Cid's grave, life has a beginning and an end. Not even the Phoenix can bring someone back.
...And yet, he's selfish. Why can't he save his brother for once in his fucking life?]
No...I've failed you, Joshua.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-08 05:08 am (UTC)He had thought his heart couldn't break any further and yet he had been proven wrong once more.]
No...no Clive no you have not failed me. You never failed me.
[He can feel his shirt growing damp as Clive grips onto his body, face pressed into his chest. It's happening again. It's happening all over again. Why were they doomed to repeat this? He can feel his breath growing short as he holds onto his brother tighter, legs numb as he stands before him.]
Do not blame yourself please I beg you...I...there was nothing that could be done. All I could do was give what little of myself was left to you. I gave you my flames and I refuse to believe that with you protecting them within your heart they would ever die. Please Clive...
[His own voice chokes, squeezed out of his throat, teeth threatening to chatter from the way he's begun to shake as he sobs.]
Brother...I am so sorry. I never wanted you to have to know this pain once more. You have suffered so much and I thought if I could keep this from you...that I could spare you from it.
[But someone, apparently, had to bring up Origin to him. Even if Dion is to blame for this, Joshua knows that deep down he wouldn't have been able to hide the truth forever.]
It hurts Clive...to know how much I've made you suffer. Would that I could take it all unto me, I would in an instant.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-08 05:46 pm (UTC)How terribly ironic that the body that harnessed the Phoenix couldn't keep itself healthy.
But if he himself was eventually given that which he was supposed to have inherited all along, then why was Joshua made to suffer all this time? Life isn't fair, but there are limits to Clive's understanding and patience. He clutches Joshua's shirt harder for a moment, then finally pulls his face away to look up at him, uncaring that his face is wet and his eyes are red.
He should say something, but his throat is tight and his tongue is heavy. Instead he shakes his head and reaches up to gently grasp Joshua's face, pulling him down so their foreheads touch. Finally, after a few moments of breathing and swallowing, Clive manages to speak.]
You have never made me suffer, Joshua. It's...it's everyone else. Mother, myself...Ultima. You never should have been involved. I should have been stronger.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-08 06:04 pm (UTC)Clive should have been stronger? Well what about him? He shakes his head slowly, swallowing through the snot and tears that have stained his face. At least they equally both look a mess, he reasons.]
Well what about me? If anyone needed to be stronger it's me. This useless body I was born with...what good has it been to anyone in the end? All I have ever been is sick and a burden...
[Sometimes he can't help but think it'd have been better if he'd never been born at all...but he knows even voicing such a thought would be a cruelty to his brother.
Thank you Clive. I know you will always take care of me.]
All I ever wanted...was to have you by my side forever. To grow up with you...to rule with you.
[But that could never, would never, had never come to pass.]
I don't want to be the source of your sorrow, Clive...I rather it be the opposite.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-08 06:51 pm (UTC)I don't care about your body. It was only ever you inside that I wanted, needed to protect. Because you're my brother. The only one I have. Nothing can ever compare.
[Clive takes Joshua into hos arms, holding him tightly. The image he's subsequently given of the two of them ruling tugs at his heart, but he basks in it for a short time. Joshua, sitting on the throne as he should have. Father off to one side, proud and beaming. Clive, to the other side, taking Lord Murdoch's place, while he and Lady Hanna look on happily, together. If only. If only. But it's just a fantasy. Father and the Murdochs are dead. The throne destroyed. And neither of them will ever reclaim the remnants of Rosalith Castle.
Clive would say it's all right, as long as he has his brother, but even Joshua will be taken from him ere long. That is the true cruelty here. But he won't say that. Joshua is falling apart in his arms and while is doing no better, he is still the elder brother.]
You have only ever brought me happiness, Joshua. The happiest day of my life was when we found each other at Twinside, despite everything else that happened. And...and before that, it was you who kept me alive for the thirteen years I no longer felt like a person. Not me. Not anyone else. You.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-08 07:16 pm (UTC)His brother was stronger than he realizes.
Joshua whimpers, fingers clenching and unclenching as his body heaves and his lungs burn. He wants Clive to be able to live without him, to be happy without him, to be with Jill and have a family of his own...but then there is a selfish part of him he can't wrest away from his heart. He wants his brother. His brother.
Just as Clive had said - he's the only one he has.
If only he could apologize more than he already had. If only he could atone for the misdeeds that had been done to Clive. Would he ever not feel guilty? Probably not. He swallows, phlegm in his throat thick.]
...They wanted you dead, Clive. [His voice is thin and quiet as he clenches his fingers into his chest once more as he's held ever so tightly against his brother.] When I finally woke from what happened at Phoenix Gate, the Undying informed me that it had been you. They had found you...and knew you were Ifrit.
[He clenches his fingers tighter, voice raw, timbre barely nothing more than a trembling sound.]
They told me they were going to kill you. I was beside myself...I could do little else trapped in that bed and room where I was recovering...they didn't want to listen and so I used the only thing I had to bargain with to have them obey me.
[It's something he's never confessed to anyone...but who, truly, did he have to confess to in the first place over such a memory?]
...I told them if they dared take your life I would take my own in turn.
[He can't help but feel ashamed, pressing his face into the crook of his brother's neck.]
I did not wish to live in a world without you in it back then...and I feel the same even now.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-25 11:20 pm (UTC)They wanted you dead. Clive nearly chokes out a laugh. That sentiment has been leveled at him so many times, and people have actively tried to kill him even more. His skin bears evidence of those attempts. But he doesn't laugh and he doesn't stop Joshua from speaking of the Undying.
It's no surprise they would target Ifrit, even if their own Marquess were the one holding the reins. He had nearly killed the Phoenix, an act so unforgivable to those people that they could not suffer the culprit to live. If they had found him five years ago, after he killed Garuda, he would have begged them for that death, as he had of Cid.
Cid had spared him. The Undying would not.
But none of that matters. The Undying answer only to the Phoenix and Joshua had stayed their eager hands for Clive's sake. But at the threat of his own life?
Clive's arms tighten around him, as if terrified such an option were still on the table. Fresh tears fall as he clutches Joshua even closer and gasps out a reply.]
Oh, Joshua, you fool.
[He would have let himself be killed five years ago, but before then...]
I wouldn't have let them touch me. And if they had, I would have crawled out of whatever grave they gave me and kept going.
[A hand goes to Joshua's hair, gently playing with it.]
But I'm here now. I'm here.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-25 11:30 pm (UTC)They shield him from himself.]
As am I.
[He chokes out, leaning into the touch at his hair, wanting to wipe the mess off his face but not having the strength to detangle his fingers from Clive's shirt to do so.]
I won't ever leave you again...I swear it. I promise Clive. I don't ever want to be parted.
[It doesn't matter how old he gets, whether this is an afterlife or not, or what the future holds in store for him...he refuses to face it alone without Clive at his side.]
You are still my Shield and I need you, brother.
[Now, perhaps, more than ever.]
no subject
Date: 2024-10-13 04:01 am (UTC)But he won't separate just yet. He can't. Joshua needs him, despite Clive having been a poor excuse for a brother all these years.]
To be your Shield is all I ever wanted.
[His arms continue to hold Joshua, the warmth emanating from his brother a comfort. It's a reminder that he is alive, at least while he resides here. Clive refuses to dwell too much on thoughts of his own life back home without Joshua's presence in it. Living for those first thirteen years without his brother had been like stumbling in the dark without the sun. Imagining countless years afterward without him again is too much.
Clive takes another halting breath but finally works up the strength to pull away enough to look at Joshua again. Nothing about this conversation has been pleasant and he won't pretend that it will get better, but looking upon Joshua's face is better than never seeing it again, tear-stained or not. His own face must look a disaster, but he ignores himself to instead take Joshua's face in his hands, gently rubbing his thumbs under his eyes.]
...I love you.
[His voice breaks on the last word and more tears track down his cheeks, but Clive remains visible. It's the truth. Joshua deserves nothing but.]
no subject
Date: 2024-10-17 11:24 pm (UTC)If he asked Clive to stay, he knows he wouldn't leave him...and while he gave him leave as he bled out before a cruel god in his arms, he isn't so inclined to make the same sacrifice twice. Surely he wouldn't be begrudged to be a bit selfish over this one matter.]
And you shall be. You still are, Clive.
[He softens under the lulling sensation of Clive's thumbs smoothing beneath his eyes. They're both a mess, his own face red and snotty and wet, but who cares? Little mattered beyond the fact that right here and now they had one another, alive and breathing. His lips crack into a smile as a hoarse laugh breaks free.
I love you.]
And I have never doubted it for a single moment. I love you, my brother, more than anyone else. I always have.
[Because as much as Clive couldn't bear to face a world where Joshua was not in it and had been left a husk of a man driven only by revenge, Joshua cannot imagine having to endure without his brother by his side. Not now. Not after everything.
They both deserved so much more.]